“As he thinks in his heart, so is he” [Proverbs 23:7]
Hey guys, how are you? I have missed you all so much! I am sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I sure have been putting up some appetizers on my social media platforms, I trust you’ve been keeping up? Now here’s one great meal about to be served. I promise it’ll be worth your read and of course your very precious time! 😃
This one right here has been sitting in my drafts for quite a while now but thank God for the courage to share. When I realized this truth, I literally said to myself “Aniekan this is going to serve as a turning point in your love life”.
If someone were to ask you, what kind of person you would you like to get married to, I’m sure you’d roll out your list of characteristics, likes and dislikes; While the ladies may say “I want to get married to a rich, successful, God-fearing man … the guys will say “I want a lady who is godly, faithful, who will lead me to God, help me stay consistent …”🙇🏾
These are great desires and wishes you know, but unfortunately, you hardly ever attract your wishes. You attract who you are. Let’s go down deep a bit. I have had quite a dating lifestyle until I got to a point where I admitted that there was certainly an end to just any kind of relationships, especially with:
• People who are insecure in themselves (that they need someone to build their self worth)
• Weak people who just need love(these ones will zap your energy because love will never be enough);
• the ones who lead their lives by their feelings (always confused as emotions are too temporary to build decisions upon)
• Those wanting a godly relationship but cannot bring themselves to cultivate a personal relationship with God
In all these experiences, I knew in my heart of hearts who I wanted; Of course he had to be a strong man, someone I do not have to push to act right, someone who keeps a personal relationship with God, who had his life goals in view and working towards them, not confused or in doubt about who he is, a good leader, respecter of women, basically a man that is all I am and even more, etc. Well, because they were not, I guess that’s why the previous ones didn’t make the cut.
With the above listed qualities, it never did occur to me that I had to be that kind of woman too. You may ask, how so?
I came across someone who possessed most of these qualities. Good for me or so you would think; but we had our fair share of misunderstandings and eventually had to break up (I’d tell you why, just read on 👀). You know how those moments go, we give ourselves the emotional pep talk that ends with “if someone left, it means they never deserved you”. But let’s think about it for a moment, are we really telling ourselves the truth considering the circumstances or are we just padding over our emotions with a sweet lie? That is tory for another day. 🏃♀️
Fast forward to a few months after that, I met someone else who was totally into me, someone who appealed a lot to the state of my emotional health at that time. He was a lot like me; Very mushy, concerned, soft, emotional, etc..
I thought it was a good thing ‘cos that was all I ever really needed in a relationship at the time. As I thought about it, I realized that those qualities didn’t check the major boxes on my list. [🙃]
I had decided that my next won’t be just another relationship, but “that which would attain marriage”. The questions on my mind were:
“What do I really want?”
“How have I grown in these aspects so far?”
“I’m I repeating a cycle of same relationship patterns?”
As I answered these questions, It occurred to me that I attracted the same kind of men. The ones I wanted were not attracted to me. Ahh Why?
If I am constantly emotional, judging myself, needing approval, getting into useless friendships just to help my fluctuating self-esteem, I would eventually attract to myself people who will give me quick-fixes to these emotions, because these are the yearnings of my heart. Truth is, all these are really cheezy stuff that one should already have developed and checked for oneself because nobody could give me the self-esteem and balance I do not have.
On the contrary, if I worked hard to build myself, love myself, develop a healthy self-confidence that is free from insecurities, making quality decisions and accomplishing them, having a positive outlook on life, these will give me a healthy self-balance. With these attributes well formed, I will not only have a healthy life, but also radiate positive vibes, filled with love and joy without any sense of neediness.
This, is what balanced and sound people are attracted to. They need to be able to relate with you on other important issues, past love, a fine face and nice body. [Peep this👇🏽]
You see, no one in their right senses wants to get into a relationship/friendship and be drained by a one-sided neediness; you know, having to be the only strong person all the time puts one down easily, and not so many people will carry such a lop-sided weight if they did not already decide to do so from the start. A lot will leave when it becomes unbearable.
Undeniably, this kind of draining attitude on my own part killed my past relationship; the frustration and pressure I mounted on him was real. But thank God for the wisdom that comes when we grow in him (indeed flesh and blood didn’t reveal this 😂). Sadly, we would never admit how sick our insides are until we face a self-confrontation and allow God to do a work in us.
So whatever qualities you know you want in someone else, you should be walking in them or at most working towards them. Your life should reflect them because basically, it is what you present of yourself that you get in return. Asides setting values and standards, you should be well cultivated in them. It all begins with you. Borrowing from pop culture, “real recognize real”.
You might fake to be what you aren’t just to attract a person. Tell you what, no matter how you fake it just to get who you want, you may not be able to keep them because you can only fake what you aren’t for so long; our real demons come out to play when we become comfortable [😈]. Rather than fake it, work on it, become it, show some willingness, at least let your heart reflect it even though you may not immediately attain it.
I hope this made a lot of sense to you as much as it did for me while I pondered on it.
Would love to read your comments, thoughts and reactions as well. Cheers to being, attracting and keeping real people. Amen! ✌🏽